The Mask

The Sha, an ancient spirit who emerged from deep withing Dryl is a mysterious sort. She's the "hollow" so she says. Taking things away, making them hollow. She offered to take away my child, but I refused outright. My decision is already made. Then she told me what else the Sha can do. To feel nothing, no pain, to be in tune and understanding. To be enlightened with universal forces, but not hampered by emotional attachments. The Sha showed me how to fasten a mask that would give me that. No more pain, no more confusion. She told me the risks and how I should keep the mask carefully within a container made of the same material, and how I should only use it when I need to. We'll see. I don't know the risks of the mask, but the peace of detachment doesn't sound so bad when you've suffered so long. I'll wear it and see.

Journal 4/28/09

I've been irrational now trying to cope with all the things that have happened, but I wanted to help those I could. The Alpha Institute created by the separation of our house never felt like home to me. I can only imagine what kind of friendship Kryss had with Nareth who always seemed to struggle with her own humanity. Though before I could truly find an understanding for being there, Alpha was disbanded and most of us found our way back to Omega with a bittersweet joy. Our family came back together, yet some wouldn't be returning. Who knows what fate ever became of Dana, a part of Nareth that existed as a separate persona. The soul of someone slain by her years ago. Though by some strange understanding, Dryl has taken Nareth's soul into the spiritlands where she constructs a new body for her. Will she be a child or a an adult? Will she remember us? We'll know soon enough. Some strange threads of fate seem to bind us all in ways. Dryl and I both carry children by unnatural means. I struggle each day knowing in mind that I can't terminate this no matter the risk to my own self. No matter how many seizures I have. I'll fight to the bitter end knowing I've done all I could, because I'll do what I can.

I regret, I have no idea what to feel. Will I feel? The child just feels like another burden placed on me.. but maybe when she's born I'll know. I don't know what to do. I do know that whatever happens, Grr and Omega will be there as well as our family. So I can try and rest easy.

Journal 4/3/09 "Destiny"

It's been a while since I wrote. I couldn't find the heart after the institute drifted apart in separate directions. I feel even now I don't belong where I am, and I have no love for the one who leads us. It always seems the new ones who look up to me for some reason are why I stay. Lately I've roamed many lands as if searching for something, but I know now it's not the reason I hoped for.
For so long I've been used, even by those who thought they knew what was best for me. What is a life with no free will? I'll never live a normal life. These higher beings, some devine, some monstrous, all pushing their will on me. It took the act of a friend to show me, to open my eyes. That final betrayal helped me realize that I'll always be a pawn as long as these 'gods' exist. I've shown in the past that am capable of hurting them, but I've began looking for a true weapon, perhaps even the spear of destiny. With this cursed goddess sleeping inside of me, I know that not even Cthulhu himself can exert his will on me. So as they've used me, I'll use her and bring about my own Ragnarok. Perhaps the child I now carry will know a better world free of the burdens I suffer. I hope I don't live long enough to find out. My death will be my own, even if my life never was. I am damned in one way or another, so it no longer matters. I'll be the messenger of death and the gods will find my deliverance. Remember me if I ever was. ~Faye'Li