It's been over a year now since I've been around in the Omega Institute. I've seen many things. I've become a messenger for an otherworldly spirit or god however you look at it named Raven, and eventually a valkyrie. I've helped lead in times of dread when all our leaders fell to the four horsemen. I was overtaken by something left in their aftermath calling itself the Devourer killing and injuring many even friends. We faced Cthulhu and lived, We beat the Baron Samedi at his own game and halted a swarm of zombies from destroying the world. We've traveled to other times, and other realities. And all I was before was a dhampir girl trying to make it in this world. Now I see it's much bigger than I ever imagined, and from my power.. I've even shaped a dream into existence. A special place for someone very dear to me.
What am I?
All this time, I still don't truly know. Maybe the cosmos will tell me.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Four months for the living and the dead.
How long has it been since I wrote.. so long ago. I try to remember all that happened. I wore the Sha, but it never gave me the comfort I longed for. We lost Pensive to the Baron Samedi when he came into our world looking for a book to undo it. It was a hard time and so many of us suffered. Still a light from the future came to give us some hope.
She called herself CJ and we in time realized she was in fact my daughter from an alternate timeline in the future. In her world we all perished, but because of her we fought back the tide of darkness and sent the Baron home. Some time later the same nanites that Jinx had created to sustain my life during pregnancy helped to create a clone of Pensive and contain his spirit that was still wandering about. Even in the happier times politics seem to always get in the way, causing disorder even with the best intentions. Soon chaos began to spread within the institute to where I was detained. The dissension got to a point where I couldn't be there anymore. It was time I gave up any mantle of leadership I had because I couldn't in the best interest of our group give us hope any longer when I had none of my own.
So I disappeared for a while having been told that I may not have a child at all but a river. It was an odd prophecy so I didn't think much on it. As I expected, the Institute didn't sustain itself as well with me away, but it still existed. I can't quite remember when it was that the Devourer found me again. It was after Suyuan came again and pulled the goddess from me leaving me defenseless, and in the end her own cursed soul perished in another death. Somehow though, Celeste (CJ) had the power to free me from the Devourer and now contains it within her like a prison. I suspect a strange combination of the blood of having three mothers, as Kryss was a surrogate in her time. She grew to fast to transfer in mine.
So many people had disappeared and I was just one who came back. Celeste became romantically involved with an odd robot who'd joined the Institute named Sol. Soon after Kryss and Omega clashed in their ideals. I still don't fully agree with how they both handled things, but it severed the Omega institute in a way and we saw who really valued what instead of being spoken for. I was again stuck in the middle simply because I cared, so I disappeared again.
This time I suffered greatly. I never did explain what had happened, how I lost my child. It was all true. Somehow it came to me while I walked alone in Legacies. From my entire body burst forth a river as if I was again opened to the aether as a doorway. and I fell into greater waters off the bridge. I felt though that life I had within me escape into the water, but not in a way of death, only a parting. I didn't sense a spirit as one would like me. It was different, but still she was gone. I tried to follow even if it ment dying, but the current pushed me to shore since I could never swim.
Some way I as desperate or maybe I didn't care anymore. I made my own wardings, a dangerous power. They did protect me from hostile spirits, but the cost was my own sanity.
Time drifted as did thoughts during this time, and its still hard to this day, but as my wards are growing weaker I've almost recovered completely.
Something brought us all together, Dryl, Alyssa, and I. I think that same cosmic force that I heard because we all became aware, aspects of fate in a way. Me when the Messenger manifests, Alyssa with her Oracle and Dryl who holds more secrets than any of us.
I still can't say where Celeste went the one from the future, and Sol has disappeared as well. And so soon after their wedding. I watched from afar, but I never had the chance to be motherly, perhaps because of the loss I sustained.. I still regret.
The only light that has kept me going is the realization of Alyssa's true origin. As she spent more time around me she started remembering who she is and as a mimic restored herself to an appearance much like mine. She's my half sister, trained by the same creep in ways of assassination. But.. she's so much more. She's my light that I hold dear now when I can't see what roads to follow.
Much has happened over these months, but I feel that something good will come of the future. Hostilities between both groups has lessened, and we're finding many more people. I hope they can reconcile because we really can be stronger together than apart, even if we have different agendas. It would still work out. I have no doubt. As for me though. I can't lead if I'm a follower and I can't be a follower if I lead, so I'm finding my own way in the world and truly living for once. We never really know how long we have or who we'll lose along the way. I just hope there's always someone who will remember when all the other lights have faded.
She called herself CJ and we in time realized she was in fact my daughter from an alternate timeline in the future. In her world we all perished, but because of her we fought back the tide of darkness and sent the Baron home. Some time later the same nanites that Jinx had created to sustain my life during pregnancy helped to create a clone of Pensive and contain his spirit that was still wandering about. Even in the happier times politics seem to always get in the way, causing disorder even with the best intentions. Soon chaos began to spread within the institute to where I was detained. The dissension got to a point where I couldn't be there anymore. It was time I gave up any mantle of leadership I had because I couldn't in the best interest of our group give us hope any longer when I had none of my own.
So I disappeared for a while having been told that I may not have a child at all but a river. It was an odd prophecy so I didn't think much on it. As I expected, the Institute didn't sustain itself as well with me away, but it still existed. I can't quite remember when it was that the Devourer found me again. It was after Suyuan came again and pulled the goddess from me leaving me defenseless, and in the end her own cursed soul perished in another death. Somehow though, Celeste (CJ) had the power to free me from the Devourer and now contains it within her like a prison. I suspect a strange combination of the blood of having three mothers, as Kryss was a surrogate in her time. She grew to fast to transfer in mine.
So many people had disappeared and I was just one who came back. Celeste became romantically involved with an odd robot who'd joined the Institute named Sol. Soon after Kryss and Omega clashed in their ideals. I still don't fully agree with how they both handled things, but it severed the Omega institute in a way and we saw who really valued what instead of being spoken for. I was again stuck in the middle simply because I cared, so I disappeared again.
This time I suffered greatly. I never did explain what had happened, how I lost my child. It was all true. Somehow it came to me while I walked alone in Legacies. From my entire body burst forth a river as if I was again opened to the aether as a doorway. and I fell into greater waters off the bridge. I felt though that life I had within me escape into the water, but not in a way of death, only a parting. I didn't sense a spirit as one would like me. It was different, but still she was gone. I tried to follow even if it ment dying, but the current pushed me to shore since I could never swim.
Some way I as desperate or maybe I didn't care anymore. I made my own wardings, a dangerous power. They did protect me from hostile spirits, but the cost was my own sanity.
Time drifted as did thoughts during this time, and its still hard to this day, but as my wards are growing weaker I've almost recovered completely.
Something brought us all together, Dryl, Alyssa, and I. I think that same cosmic force that I heard because we all became aware, aspects of fate in a way. Me when the Messenger manifests, Alyssa with her Oracle and Dryl who holds more secrets than any of us.
I still can't say where Celeste went the one from the future, and Sol has disappeared as well. And so soon after their wedding. I watched from afar, but I never had the chance to be motherly, perhaps because of the loss I sustained.. I still regret.
The only light that has kept me going is the realization of Alyssa's true origin. As she spent more time around me she started remembering who she is and as a mimic restored herself to an appearance much like mine. She's my half sister, trained by the same creep in ways of assassination. But.. she's so much more. She's my light that I hold dear now when I can't see what roads to follow.
Much has happened over these months, but I feel that something good will come of the future. Hostilities between both groups has lessened, and we're finding many more people. I hope they can reconcile because we really can be stronger together than apart, even if we have different agendas. It would still work out. I have no doubt. As for me though. I can't lead if I'm a follower and I can't be a follower if I lead, so I'm finding my own way in the world and truly living for once. We never really know how long we have or who we'll lose along the way. I just hope there's always someone who will remember when all the other lights have faded.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Mask
The Sha, an ancient spirit who emerged from deep withing Dryl is a mysterious sort. She's the "hollow" so she says. Taking things away, making them hollow. She offered to take away my child, but I refused outright. My decision is already made. Then she told me what else the Sha can do. To feel nothing, no pain, to be in tune and understanding. To be enlightened with universal forces, but not hampered by emotional attachments. The Sha showed me how to fasten a mask that would give me that. No more pain, no more confusion. She told me the risks and how I should keep the mask carefully within a container made of the same material, and how I should only use it when I need to. We'll see. I don't know the risks of the mask, but the peace of detachment doesn't sound so bad when you've suffered so long. I'll wear it and see.
Journal 4/28/09
I've been irrational now trying to cope with all the things that have happened, but I wanted to help those I could. The Alpha Institute created by the separation of our house never felt like home to me. I can only imagine what kind of friendship Kryss had with Nareth who always seemed to struggle with her own humanity. Though before I could truly find an understanding for being there, Alpha was disbanded and most of us found our way back to Omega with a bittersweet joy. Our family came back together, yet some wouldn't be returning. Who knows what fate ever became of Dana, a part of Nareth that existed as a separate persona. The soul of someone slain by her years ago. Though by some strange understanding, Dryl has taken Nareth's soul into the spiritlands where she constructs a new body for her. Will she be a child or a an adult? Will she remember us? We'll know soon enough. Some strange threads of fate seem to bind us all in ways. Dryl and I both carry children by unnatural means. I struggle each day knowing in mind that I can't terminate this no matter the risk to my own self. No matter how many seizures I have. I'll fight to the bitter end knowing I've done all I could, because I'll do what I can.
I regret, I have no idea what to feel. Will I feel? The child just feels like another burden placed on me.. but maybe when she's born I'll know. I don't know what to do. I do know that whatever happens, Grr and Omega will be there as well as our family. So I can try and rest easy.
I regret, I have no idea what to feel. Will I feel? The child just feels like another burden placed on me.. but maybe when she's born I'll know. I don't know what to do. I do know that whatever happens, Grr and Omega will be there as well as our family. So I can try and rest easy.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Journal 4/3/09 "Destiny"
It's been a while since I wrote. I couldn't find the heart after the institute drifted apart in separate directions. I feel even now I don't belong where I am, and I have no love for the one who leads us. It always seems the new ones who look up to me for some reason are why I stay. Lately I've roamed many lands as if searching for something, but I know now it's not the reason I hoped for.
For so long I've been used, even by those who thought they knew what was best for me. What is a life with no free will? I'll never live a normal life. These higher beings, some devine, some monstrous, all pushing their will on me. It took the act of a friend to show me, to open my eyes. That final betrayal helped me realize that I'll always be a pawn as long as these 'gods' exist. I've shown in the past that am capable of hurting them, but I've began looking for a true weapon, perhaps even the spear of destiny. With this cursed goddess sleeping inside of me, I know that not even Cthulhu himself can exert his will on me. So as they've used me, I'll use her and bring about my own Ragnarok. Perhaps the child I now carry will know a better world free of the burdens I suffer. I hope I don't live long enough to find out. My death will be my own, even if my life never was. I am damned in one way or another, so it no longer matters. I'll be the messenger of death and the gods will find my deliverance. Remember me if I ever was. ~Faye'Li
For so long I've been used, even by those who thought they knew what was best for me. What is a life with no free will? I'll never live a normal life. These higher beings, some devine, some monstrous, all pushing their will on me. It took the act of a friend to show me, to open my eyes. That final betrayal helped me realize that I'll always be a pawn as long as these 'gods' exist. I've shown in the past that am capable of hurting them, but I've began looking for a true weapon, perhaps even the spear of destiny. With this cursed goddess sleeping inside of me, I know that not even Cthulhu himself can exert his will on me. So as they've used me, I'll use her and bring about my own Ragnarok. Perhaps the child I now carry will know a better world free of the burdens I suffer. I hope I don't live long enough to find out. My death will be my own, even if my life never was. I am damned in one way or another, so it no longer matters. I'll be the messenger of death and the gods will find my deliverance. Remember me if I ever was. ~Faye'Li
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Journal 2/25/09
I let it escalate too much yesterday, that unresolved grief I've been trying to hide. Maybe even from myself. Redd caught me. I didn't have any idea what to say to her, but it's not the first time I've been there, wondering just how much strength I have. Nobody's caught me before. I've been trying to be strong, and I should be. I can't change the past, but I still see clear visions of people. The terror on their faces as the creature inside me hunted them down. I smell the blood. It's sweet, and yet I know it's wrong. It feeds knowing that I can't resist it and I'll in fact enjoy it. But how many people would die as I lost myself in the only moments of bliss in the all comsuming terror.
Those years ago, after Lamont had used me, had trained me to be an assassin. When I remembered what I had done, what he compelled me to do. That was one of the worst times of my life. This time, is even worse. I watched it all unfold before me. A small part enjoyed it. That broke me. I hate it, I hate it. I want to be in control. I don't want to be the gate, or a tool, or a vessel. I don't want the burden of countless people who suffer because of me. Why am I chosen for this? I don't want to lose anyone else I love. Not for me. Not to protect me. How can my life be worth the price of another? I wish I was that strong. How I'd love to 'get over it' as some people would say. I'm so embarassed. I'm not even sure what I should do now.
And Denny. I don't know how to explain it, but he's changed a lot, and seems very protective of me. He knew what had happened when he called for me. Again I didn't know what to say. But I tried. I know, maybe I'm mixed up. There's so many things I'm responsible for, and I still don't know if my own life is worth all I've sown. Or if I am too dangerous for the people I care about. Within all my doubt, Denny said that it would hurt him greater to lose me. When I stated how much I knew about myself and what I am even after all thats happened, he simply turned to me and said, "You're Omegan."
Those words rang in my head a while. I guess.. I felt.. accepted. If there's no other word to describe it. I'm such a fool. I have so many wonderful friends. I never wanted to share my grief with them. I hope I can be stronger. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders sometimes and I'm being suffocated. Its kind of scary when so many of the new ones look up to me when I'm such a mess. I can always write to sort out my thoughts at least. It'll get better.. I want to get better..
Those years ago, after Lamont had used me, had trained me to be an assassin. When I remembered what I had done, what he compelled me to do. That was one of the worst times of my life. This time, is even worse. I watched it all unfold before me. A small part enjoyed it. That broke me. I hate it, I hate it. I want to be in control. I don't want to be the gate, or a tool, or a vessel. I don't want the burden of countless people who suffer because of me. Why am I chosen for this? I don't want to lose anyone else I love. Not for me. Not to protect me. How can my life be worth the price of another? I wish I was that strong. How I'd love to 'get over it' as some people would say. I'm so embarassed. I'm not even sure what I should do now.
And Denny. I don't know how to explain it, but he's changed a lot, and seems very protective of me. He knew what had happened when he called for me. Again I didn't know what to say. But I tried. I know, maybe I'm mixed up. There's so many things I'm responsible for, and I still don't know if my own life is worth all I've sown. Or if I am too dangerous for the people I care about. Within all my doubt, Denny said that it would hurt him greater to lose me. When I stated how much I knew about myself and what I am even after all thats happened, he simply turned to me and said, "You're Omegan."
Those words rang in my head a while. I guess.. I felt.. accepted. If there's no other word to describe it. I'm such a fool. I have so many wonderful friends. I never wanted to share my grief with them. I hope I can be stronger. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders sometimes and I'm being suffocated. Its kind of scary when so many of the new ones look up to me when I'm such a mess. I can always write to sort out my thoughts at least. It'll get better.. I want to get better..
Monday, February 23, 2009
Pandora Complex
What am I?
A dhampir girl born of a curse. A legacy of a lost bloodline that should never have existed to begin with. A gift and a curse. Before I only knew how to create, but I always had that insipid weakness born to me. It was put there deliberately to help dominate the race I'm a part of. A weakness of will. No matter how hard I try, I can't prevent the influence of a stronger power over me. The more I grew im my own powers, discovering them, the more I opened up to the aether, the spirit world. I grew even more susceptible to what terrors lie beyond. But the Raven has watched me for a very long time. I don't know why. He chose me as his messenger. Even now I don't completely understand it. I know at times I have visions, and through his power I've become something more. Perhaps a redeeming quality, or a balance to what darkness I'm capable of. He made me his valkyrie, and tied my powers even greater to the aether, spirits and the like. A gateway, a voice, beholding great and terrible things. For what purpose? Should I embrace this harsh existence as but a tool of god like beings? Must more die because of me? trying to control the power or because I can't? Even now, with the goddess sleeping there, protecting me from that weakness of mine. Is that not in a way her own will over me? It did protect me from Cthulhu's insanity. I've questioned if I should even exist. Lady Omega said, of course I should.
A dhampir girl born of a curse. A legacy of a lost bloodline that should never have existed to begin with. A gift and a curse. Before I only knew how to create, but I always had that insipid weakness born to me. It was put there deliberately to help dominate the race I'm a part of. A weakness of will. No matter how hard I try, I can't prevent the influence of a stronger power over me. The more I grew im my own powers, discovering them, the more I opened up to the aether, the spirit world. I grew even more susceptible to what terrors lie beyond. But the Raven has watched me for a very long time. I don't know why. He chose me as his messenger. Even now I don't completely understand it. I know at times I have visions, and through his power I've become something more. Perhaps a redeeming quality, or a balance to what darkness I'm capable of. He made me his valkyrie, and tied my powers even greater to the aether, spirits and the like. A gateway, a voice, beholding great and terrible things. For what purpose? Should I embrace this harsh existence as but a tool of god like beings? Must more die because of me? trying to control the power or because I can't? Even now, with the goddess sleeping there, protecting me from that weakness of mine. Is that not in a way her own will over me? It did protect me from Cthulhu's insanity. I've questioned if I should even exist. Lady Omega said, of course I should.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Threads of Fate
Random thoughts for so long come to me, as if the cosmos in communicating in an intricate weave of circumstance and fate. There's an overabundance of coincidences culminating into a mutual disastrous end. The endless night, the return of darkness. No matter what awful creature seeks it or has spoken it, it haunts me. Incomprehendible entities, or whatever the Tohu va Bohu really was. The arrival of the Devourer, drawn forth from their lingering energies, and now these amorphous life forms, the cultists, Dagon and Cthulhu. Could catastrophe after catastrophe herald destruction itself? What twisted fate brought things into motion that could be so easily set up to start our current crisis? Even the cards are held by different hands, it's no doubt that lingering wounds from one event have had grave impact on each in turn. Ripples in the pond. And it's becoming harder to recover from.
What these entities seem to have in common is they come from parts unknown. Places most mortal minds could not comprehend or be driven mad. Could they all be related? I may never know, and the thought of it is truly terrifying if it has any truth to it. The vessels, the portals, their plight of slowly being drained away. I've experienced and seen it before while possessed. It's hard to ignore any similarities. The Devourer lied, tempting those to give themselves willingly to the all consuming darkness, but it eventually did show it's own madness. It would hurt itself to keep me from wresting any control. When these other creatures came into our world it seemed curious one moment and annoyed the next. It even allowed one of these shadow figures to take some of it's power, perhaps a way to spread its taint even further.
What I felt within the Devourer was wrath, rage, and anger. And hearing a theory that anger was the beacon for another entity leads me to believe that some of these happenings have set things in motion or at least transpired to one another. The Lycan and Kindred war fueled much anger in the city. The traces of the battle with the horsemen was never completely resolved, and that seed of darkness grew into what became the Devourer, but why did it? And why did it happen when it did? Why still do these new threats also threaten to bring about the endless night? Are all roads in this spiderweb of horrific events leading to a single point of complete destruction? I don't want to think of it. I don't know these other beings, nor their servants, but by all accounts they seem as if they could be worse than even the entity I was possessed by. And if that is true, we're in for a bloody conclusion.
What these entities seem to have in common is they come from parts unknown. Places most mortal minds could not comprehend or be driven mad. Could they all be related? I may never know, and the thought of it is truly terrifying if it has any truth to it. The vessels, the portals, their plight of slowly being drained away. I've experienced and seen it before while possessed. It's hard to ignore any similarities. The Devourer lied, tempting those to give themselves willingly to the all consuming darkness, but it eventually did show it's own madness. It would hurt itself to keep me from wresting any control. When these other creatures came into our world it seemed curious one moment and annoyed the next. It even allowed one of these shadow figures to take some of it's power, perhaps a way to spread its taint even further.
What I felt within the Devourer was wrath, rage, and anger. And hearing a theory that anger was the beacon for another entity leads me to believe that some of these happenings have set things in motion or at least transpired to one another. The Lycan and Kindred war fueled much anger in the city. The traces of the battle with the horsemen was never completely resolved, and that seed of darkness grew into what became the Devourer, but why did it? And why did it happen when it did? Why still do these new threats also threaten to bring about the endless night? Are all roads in this spiderweb of horrific events leading to a single point of complete destruction? I don't want to think of it. I don't know these other beings, nor their servants, but by all accounts they seem as if they could be worse than even the entity I was possessed by. And if that is true, we're in for a bloody conclusion.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Life, Death, and the Beyond
There's so much that has happened, so much I couldn't prevent. Some of it's still a bit foggy. The dreams became so bad, and my worst fears became reality. Denny and Delrith tried to find out just what was wrong and in that moment the Devourer took over.
I was lost for days on end, fighting for control as I watched in horror how this creature stalked countless people reducing them to lifeless dust. Every moment I wish I could forget.. I remember vividly. I tried so hard to wrest control from the creature, keeping several of it's attacks from being as severe as they could have been. It's little comfort for those that I couldn't prevent. I've hurt my friends and family, emotionally and physically, but I remember each of them pulling together to try and free me.
Things only got worse before they got better. In the peril of this entity from beyond, a new threat emerged. From what I gather now, servants of things known as Dagon and Cthulhu have brought a war with eachother into our world. The Devourer grew interested in these other creatures, believing that they would fulfill what it had started one moment, and cursing their intrusion the next. It grew more dangerous and self destructive in the end.
The worst came when the Devourer kept it's promise, and slew one of my dearest friends. It believed it would become more powerful slaying Suyuan and the goddess Meng Po, whom she was a part of. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. I wish Mei had killed me then, when she attacked me. For everything I couldn't stop. The Devourer crucified her daughter and laughed. And she did all she could to destroy the creature, but it only hurt me. Even that was part of it's wicked plan.
I think the creature thought it was finally strong enough to enter the library where it never would go, and there it met Denny who had recovered. He grew incredibly strong. I'd never seen him that way before. Even now I'll never think of him the same way. He has my deepest thanks for finally freeing me from that creature. I felt him as he ripped the darkness away, in the moment I was passing through the tunnel of light, he pulled me back. The Devourer is gone, though I know not where and those it kept free.
I've been hesitant to go too far from the library, after seeing all the damage it did and the people I hurt because of it. I thought I had seen a ghost when she came to me, but it wasn't. Suyuan was really there. She told me Denny had pulled her back from the grave as well. I couldn't believe it. I was afraid I would wake, but I was so happy to see her again. I had no idea why she really had come.
Suyuan returned only for a short while, and I watched her die a second time... My dear friend. The wish of her and the goddess was to protect the other of Raven's chosen, and so to fulfill that promise the essence of the goddess transfered from her, and now sleeps in me. But the price was never what I would have wanted. As she died to do so. I never wanted this. Not the burden of another power, and not at the cost of a friend. But perhaps.. with the goddess as a shield, I'll be free of being influence by other dire things, and I think she wanted that for me.
I asked why all this has to happen to me, and Grr replied that I had an innocent heart. I'm not sure if I understand. I have carried powers far greater than myself and now moreso. I'm not sure if I'm responsible enough for such a burden, or why someone like me would be chosen. It's overwhelming. I came to this city with only the things on my back and a wonder where my next meal would be. Now, I sit by the fire remembering visions of things that have passed, the creatures I've channeled, the friends I've lost, and now that goddess who sleeps in the depths of my soul.
Was this part of Raven's plan for me all along? A broken dhampir girl made the messenger, a valkyrie. And now to thwart the curse I had been born with, I had to lose someone close to me.. I understand the life your mother always wanted for you now Suyuan. Free to live it as you chose. Free of higher powers who would use you. I'll never know what it's like, but I hope you can rest now, and maybe if you're ever reborn you'll have the life you truly deserved.
I was lost for days on end, fighting for control as I watched in horror how this creature stalked countless people reducing them to lifeless dust. Every moment I wish I could forget.. I remember vividly. I tried so hard to wrest control from the creature, keeping several of it's attacks from being as severe as they could have been. It's little comfort for those that I couldn't prevent. I've hurt my friends and family, emotionally and physically, but I remember each of them pulling together to try and free me.
Things only got worse before they got better. In the peril of this entity from beyond, a new threat emerged. From what I gather now, servants of things known as Dagon and Cthulhu have brought a war with eachother into our world. The Devourer grew interested in these other creatures, believing that they would fulfill what it had started one moment, and cursing their intrusion the next. It grew more dangerous and self destructive in the end.
The worst came when the Devourer kept it's promise, and slew one of my dearest friends. It believed it would become more powerful slaying Suyuan and the goddess Meng Po, whom she was a part of. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. I wish Mei had killed me then, when she attacked me. For everything I couldn't stop. The Devourer crucified her daughter and laughed. And she did all she could to destroy the creature, but it only hurt me. Even that was part of it's wicked plan.
I think the creature thought it was finally strong enough to enter the library where it never would go, and there it met Denny who had recovered. He grew incredibly strong. I'd never seen him that way before. Even now I'll never think of him the same way. He has my deepest thanks for finally freeing me from that creature. I felt him as he ripped the darkness away, in the moment I was passing through the tunnel of light, he pulled me back. The Devourer is gone, though I know not where and those it kept free.
I've been hesitant to go too far from the library, after seeing all the damage it did and the people I hurt because of it. I thought I had seen a ghost when she came to me, but it wasn't. Suyuan was really there. She told me Denny had pulled her back from the grave as well. I couldn't believe it. I was afraid I would wake, but I was so happy to see her again. I had no idea why she really had come.
Suyuan returned only for a short while, and I watched her die a second time... My dear friend. The wish of her and the goddess was to protect the other of Raven's chosen, and so to fulfill that promise the essence of the goddess transfered from her, and now sleeps in me. But the price was never what I would have wanted. As she died to do so. I never wanted this. Not the burden of another power, and not at the cost of a friend. But perhaps.. with the goddess as a shield, I'll be free of being influence by other dire things, and I think she wanted that for me.
I asked why all this has to happen to me, and Grr replied that I had an innocent heart. I'm not sure if I understand. I have carried powers far greater than myself and now moreso. I'm not sure if I'm responsible enough for such a burden, or why someone like me would be chosen. It's overwhelming. I came to this city with only the things on my back and a wonder where my next meal would be. Now, I sit by the fire remembering visions of things that have passed, the creatures I've channeled, the friends I've lost, and now that goddess who sleeps in the depths of my soul.
Was this part of Raven's plan for me all along? A broken dhampir girl made the messenger, a valkyrie. And now to thwart the curse I had been born with, I had to lose someone close to me.. I understand the life your mother always wanted for you now Suyuan. Free to live it as you chose. Free of higher powers who would use you. I'll never know what it's like, but I hope you can rest now, and maybe if you're ever reborn you'll have the life you truly deserved.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Within..
Deep within, possessed by the dark entity that's been called the Devourer, unconscious thoughts lingering in the mind if Faye'Li. Whispers to those sensitive enough to hear the psychic impressions left by the trauma in the dark..
The screaming.. howling.. how can it never stop? Is it the wind of this cold void.. I can see nothing here.. Not unless it's out of the darkness.. I can see what it does. Watching myself within myself.. I'm trapped in this darkness.. I scream and scream.. but I can't hear my own voice.. There's so much blood.. I can't stop it.. I'm covered in blood.. so much.. Please run.. run away.. No! No not again! It grips tighter.. laughing keeping me in it's grasp.. I can hardly breath.. I can't stop.. It feeds.. it's killed.. but but.. why does it.. the blood.. I don't want it.. but it knows.. it.. no.. I don't want the blood.. I crave it.. no it's wrong.. No.. no no.. Please no... You can't do this.. Not him.. Denny! Did it really happen..? When was it.. how long ago.. it seems like hours and minutes ago.. the rage.. I felt so cold.. the screams from everywhere.. it makes me want this.. to crave it.. I don't want it.. please... please stop it.. so much blood.. so much blood.. so much blood... Ahhh!.. it hurts.. I feel like it's tearing at me.. but.. but.. it starts over and over.. why.. is this.. what is this? Make it end.. I can't I can't.. please.. Noooo!!! No.. stop.. stop...
The screaming.. howling.. how can it never stop? Is it the wind of this cold void.. I can see nothing here.. Not unless it's out of the darkness.. I can see what it does. Watching myself within myself.. I'm trapped in this darkness.. I scream and scream.. but I can't hear my own voice.. There's so much blood.. I can't stop it.. I'm covered in blood.. so much.. Please run.. run away.. No! No not again! It grips tighter.. laughing keeping me in it's grasp.. I can hardly breath.. I can't stop.. It feeds.. it's killed.. but but.. why does it.. the blood.. I don't want it.. but it knows.. it.. no.. I don't want the blood.. I crave it.. no it's wrong.. No.. no no.. Please no... You can't do this.. Not him.. Denny! Did it really happen..? When was it.. how long ago.. it seems like hours and minutes ago.. the rage.. I felt so cold.. the screams from everywhere.. it makes me want this.. to crave it.. I don't want it.. please... please stop it.. so much blood.. so much blood.. so much blood... Ahhh!.. it hurts.. I feel like it's tearing at me.. but.. but.. it starts over and over.. why.. is this.. what is this? Make it end.. I can't I can't.. please.. Noooo!!! No.. stop.. stop...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Journal 1/25/09
I can't ignore the dreams are getting worse. I'm not sure how long I can set aside this burden, trying to help others in need. How much is too much before one needs desperate help? It hurts. And the lose of energy associated with sleep seems like a riptide pulling me down into the horrible depths where terrible monsters await. I can't keep myself from being tired, yet every time I sleep, something fiendish attacks. Waiting. How long until I'm spent.. until I can't fight any longer.
There's so many new faces among us, things to see and do. How much time is there before the clock stops ticking? It's hard to say, and ask. If things are as bad as they seem, who will take care of them if I..
I guess I should not think like that. Maybe it's catching up to me. The weight on my shoulders. Pushing me down. I don't want to look weak, not after I've struggled to get this far..
Dryl is remarkable.. I've never met a spirit like her before, let alone to have so much in common. I don't feel so alienated. It's hard to hide things from her. She seems to know more about me then I do sometimes. I suppose I'm not used to it, being the one noticed. I often try to help others, but hide when I'm the one who's in trouble. I don't know if I merit or can live up to what she sees in me. But I care for her and the rest. I feel especially protective of our newest members. I just wish I was free of my own ailes so I could keep them safe. Someone has to.
There's so many new faces among us, things to see and do. How much time is there before the clock stops ticking? It's hard to say, and ask. If things are as bad as they seem, who will take care of them if I..
I guess I should not think like that. Maybe it's catching up to me. The weight on my shoulders. Pushing me down. I don't want to look weak, not after I've struggled to get this far..
Dryl is remarkable.. I've never met a spirit like her before, let alone to have so much in common. I don't feel so alienated. It's hard to hide things from her. She seems to know more about me then I do sometimes. I suppose I'm not used to it, being the one noticed. I often try to help others, but hide when I'm the one who's in trouble. I don't know if I merit or can live up to what she sees in me. But I care for her and the rest. I feel especially protective of our newest members. I just wish I was free of my own ailes so I could keep them safe. Someone has to.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Outer Darkness
The dreams come, still even now.
Though thankfully I've not had any missing periods of time, I've also not had any warnings from the messenger. I'm always at odds with why I see things I'd rather not. The darkness has teeth, gnashing, tearing at what keeps reality whole. Where does it end, and why do I see it so close? I haven't said a word. There's been too much happening lately, and I tire of being the bearer of bad news. What was described to me once as the Devourer haunts my dreams. It never did show itself when everything else went to hell. Why now would I see it? Is it my fate to be driven mad by these things? I just want to rest.
Maybe, it's something else to come. I don't know how to protect myself, and I fail at helping others. Who can I really trust? Who can protect me? It's always been me.. but I feel so weak and powerless. Who am I without these 'godlings' interfering with my life? Just a girl. Just someone who cares enough to try. Nobody really at all. I don't want to sleep..
Though thankfully I've not had any missing periods of time, I've also not had any warnings from the messenger. I'm always at odds with why I see things I'd rather not. The darkness has teeth, gnashing, tearing at what keeps reality whole. Where does it end, and why do I see it so close? I haven't said a word. There's been too much happening lately, and I tire of being the bearer of bad news. What was described to me once as the Devourer haunts my dreams. It never did show itself when everything else went to hell. Why now would I see it? Is it my fate to be driven mad by these things? I just want to rest.
Maybe, it's something else to come. I don't know how to protect myself, and I fail at helping others. Who can I really trust? Who can protect me? It's always been me.. but I feel so weak and powerless. Who am I without these 'godlings' interfering with my life? Just a girl. Just someone who cares enough to try. Nobody really at all. I don't want to sleep..
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