Threads of Fate

Random thoughts for so long come to me, as if the cosmos in communicating in an intricate weave of circumstance and fate. There's an overabundance of coincidences culminating into a mutual disastrous end. The endless night, the return of darkness. No matter what awful creature seeks it or has spoken it, it haunts me. Incomprehendible entities, or whatever the Tohu va Bohu really was. The arrival of the Devourer, drawn forth from their lingering energies, and now these amorphous life forms, the cultists, Dagon and Cthulhu. Could catastrophe after catastrophe herald destruction itself? What twisted fate brought things into motion that could be so easily set up to start our current crisis? Even the cards are held by different hands, it's no doubt that lingering wounds from one event have had grave impact on each in turn. Ripples in the pond. And it's becoming harder to recover from.
What these entities seem to have in common is they come from parts unknown. Places most mortal minds could not comprehend or be driven mad. Could they all be related? I may never know, and the thought of it is truly terrifying if it has any truth to it. The vessels, the portals, their plight of slowly being drained away. I've experienced and seen it before while possessed. It's hard to ignore any similarities. The Devourer lied, tempting those to give themselves willingly to the all consuming darkness, but it eventually did show it's own madness. It would hurt itself to keep me from wresting any control. When these other creatures came into our world it seemed curious one moment and annoyed the next. It even allowed one of these shadow figures to take some of it's power, perhaps a way to spread its taint even further.
What I felt within the Devourer was wrath, rage, and anger. And hearing a theory that anger was the beacon for another entity leads me to believe that some of these happenings have set things in motion or at least transpired to one another. The Lycan and Kindred war fueled much anger in the city. The traces of the battle with the horsemen was never completely resolved, and that seed of darkness grew into what became the Devourer, but why did it? And why did it happen when it did? Why still do these new threats also threaten to bring about the endless night? Are all roads in this spiderweb of horrific events leading to a single point of complete destruction? I don't want to think of it. I don't know these other beings, nor their servants, but by all accounts they seem as if they could be worse than even the entity I was possessed by. And if that is true, we're in for a bloody conclusion.

Life, Death, and the Beyond

There's so much that has happened, so much I couldn't prevent. Some of it's still a bit foggy. The dreams became so bad, and my worst fears became reality. Denny and Delrith tried to find out just what was wrong and in that moment the Devourer took over.
I was lost for days on end, fighting for control as I watched in horror how this creature stalked countless people reducing them to lifeless dust. Every moment I wish I could forget.. I remember vividly. I tried so hard to wrest control from the creature, keeping several of it's attacks from being as severe as they could have been. It's little comfort for those that I couldn't prevent. I've hurt my friends and family, emotionally and physically, but I remember each of them pulling together to try and free me.
Things only got worse before they got better. In the peril of this entity from beyond, a new threat emerged. From what I gather now, servants of things known as Dagon and Cthulhu have brought a war with eachother into our world. The Devourer grew interested in these other creatures, believing that they would fulfill what it had started one moment, and cursing their intrusion the next. It grew more dangerous and self destructive in the end.
The worst came when the Devourer kept it's promise, and slew one of my dearest friends. It believed it would become more powerful slaying Suyuan and the goddess Meng Po, whom she was a part of. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. I wish Mei had killed me then, when she attacked me. For everything I couldn't stop. The Devourer crucified her daughter and laughed. And she did all she could to destroy the creature, but it only hurt me. Even that was part of it's wicked plan.
I think the creature thought it was finally strong enough to enter the library where it never would go, and there it met Denny who had recovered. He grew incredibly strong. I'd never seen him that way before. Even now I'll never think of him the same way. He has my deepest thanks for finally freeing me from that creature. I felt him as he ripped the darkness away, in the moment I was passing through the tunnel of light, he pulled me back. The Devourer is gone, though I know not where and those it kept free.
I've been hesitant to go too far from the library, after seeing all the damage it did and the people I hurt because of it. I thought I had seen a ghost when she came to me, but it wasn't. Suyuan was really there. She told me Denny had pulled her back from the grave as well. I couldn't believe it. I was afraid I would wake, but I was so happy to see her again. I had no idea why she really had come.
Suyuan returned only for a short while, and I watched her die a second time... My dear friend. The wish of her and the goddess was to protect the other of Raven's chosen, and so to fulfill that promise the essence of the goddess transfered from her, and now sleeps in me. But the price was never what I would have wanted. As she died to do so. I never wanted this. Not the burden of another power, and not at the cost of a friend. But perhaps.. with the goddess as a shield, I'll be free of being influence by other dire things, and I think she wanted that for me.
I asked why all this has to happen to me, and Grr replied that I had an innocent heart. I'm not sure if I understand. I have carried powers far greater than myself and now moreso. I'm not sure if I'm responsible enough for such a burden, or why someone like me would be chosen. It's overwhelming. I came to this city with only the things on my back and a wonder where my next meal would be. Now, I sit by the fire remembering visions of things that have passed, the creatures I've channeled, the friends I've lost, and now that goddess who sleeps in the depths of my soul.
Was this part of Raven's plan for me all along? A broken dhampir girl made the messenger, a valkyrie. And now to thwart the curse I had been born with, I had to lose someone close to me.. I understand the life your mother always wanted for you now Suyuan. Free to live it as you chose. Free of higher powers who would use you. I'll never know what it's like, but I hope you can rest now, and maybe if you're ever reborn you'll have the life you truly deserved.

Within..

Deep within, possessed by the dark entity that's been called the Devourer, unconscious thoughts lingering in the mind if Faye'Li. Whispers to those sensitive enough to hear the psychic impressions left by the trauma in the dark..

The screaming.. howling.. how can it never stop? Is it the wind of this cold void.. I can see nothing here.. Not unless it's out of the darkness.. I can see what it does. Watching myself within myself.. I'm trapped in this darkness.. I scream and scream.. but I can't hear my own voice.. There's so much blood.. I can't stop it.. I'm covered in blood.. so much.. Please run.. run away.. No! No not again! It grips tighter.. laughing keeping me in it's grasp.. I can hardly breath.. I can't stop.. It feeds.. it's killed.. but but.. why does it.. the blood.. I don't want it.. but it knows.. it.. no.. I don't want the blood.. I crave it.. no it's wrong.. No.. no no.. Please no... You can't do this.. Not him.. Denny! Did it really happen..? When was it.. how long ago.. it seems like hours and minutes ago.. the rage.. I felt so cold.. the screams from everywhere.. it makes me want this.. to crave it.. I don't want it.. please... please stop it.. so much blood.. so much blood.. so much blood... Ahhh!.. it hurts.. I feel like it's tearing at me.. but.. but.. it starts over and over.. why.. is this.. what is this? Make it end.. I can't I can't.. please.. Noooo!!! No.. stop.. stop...

Journal 1/25/09

I can't ignore the dreams are getting worse. I'm not sure how long I can set aside this burden, trying to help others in need. How much is too much before one needs desperate help? It hurts. And the lose of energy associated with sleep seems like a riptide pulling me down into the horrible depths where terrible monsters await. I can't keep myself from being tired, yet every time I sleep, something fiendish attacks. Waiting. How long until I'm spent.. until I can't fight any longer.

There's so many new faces among us, things to see and do. How much time is there before the clock stops ticking? It's hard to say, and ask. If things are as bad as they seem, who will take care of them if I..

I guess I should not think like that. Maybe it's catching up to me. The weight on my shoulders. Pushing me down. I don't want to look weak, not after I've struggled to get this far..

Dryl is remarkable.. I've never met a spirit like her before, let alone to have so much in common. I don't feel so alienated. It's hard to hide things from her. She seems to know more about me then I do sometimes. I suppose I'm not used to it, being the one noticed. I often try to help others, but hide when I'm the one who's in trouble. I don't know if I merit or can live up to what she sees in me. But I care for her and the rest. I feel especially protective of our newest members. I just wish I was free of my own ailes so I could keep them safe. Someone has to.

Outer Darkness

The dreams come, still even now.

Though thankfully I've not had any missing periods of time, I've also not had any warnings from the messenger. I'm always at odds with why I see things I'd rather not. The darkness has teeth, gnashing, tearing at what keeps reality whole. Where does it end, and why do I see it so close? I haven't said a word. There's been too much happening lately, and I tire of being the bearer of bad news. What was described to me once as the Devourer haunts my dreams. It never did show itself when everything else went to hell. Why now would I see it? Is it my fate to be driven mad by these things? I just want to rest.

Maybe, it's something else to come. I don't know how to protect myself, and I fail at helping others. Who can I really trust? Who can protect me? It's always been me.. but I feel so weak and powerless. Who am I without these 'godlings' interfering with my life? Just a girl. Just someone who cares enough to try. Nobody really at all. I don't want to sleep..

The Road to Recovery

I watched Lady Omega the other day. Somehow she reached out to Grr. His mind had still been fuzzy and for him the war had not ended. But through the unusual songs between them as they communicated, he finally came around. I was afraid. He'd finally know what I had done. How much I hurt him in his desperation to save him. My own foolish actions that almost got myself killed as well. He didn't reprimand me for it. He actually seemed glad I had tried. I was so afraid, it was finally over. The situation with the horsemen at long last. I felt that I'd finally pay up even though I was still fitting into my new role as praetor. Maybe I'm too paranoid.
I've never had a family, but I've had too many people taken from me already. Even if I may have played a small part in the whole horsemen incident, I still feel guilty about the whole thing. It's like getting a cold and then spreading it among the people you know. I feel like it was my fault. The Tohu used me.

I'm still not bound, and that stone of Rhaven's had unusual side effects. It actually came alive. Though it brought to my mind a theory about myself since that's been frightening. I know that I'm dhampir because of a curse on me before I was born and I carry the remnants of a vampire bloodline my mother herself eradicated before there was many of them. They were a slave race and one of their flaws was a weakness to mental domination. Thus my own susceptibility. They also were given the ability to create things. The myths and what I always believed was I could only duplicate things and create copies, but I've learned more about my own power. It's draw from the aether and ideas and whatnot can be formed. I'm still learning things on my own, but I'm like a gateway between the aether and the real world. I shape it and create it, but spirits of the aether could potentially use me as the Tohu did. If something is stronger than me perhaps. I think my connection is why I was chosen as The Messenger. Well my theory is why I believe my mother saw the danger enough to have been sent on the mission to kill that new bloodline. If each and every one of those vampires could potentially create more vampires, just think if each one was possessed by malicious wandering spirits that had no way to interact with the world until then. If kindred are not bad enough at times, having crazy spirits going around creating more potential hosts is even worse. It's probably best it ends with me. I'd never want to see this strain resurfaced. And as far as I know, no dhampir can create a vampire.

Joah hasn't spoken much about her time as Famine, I wouldn't know what to even say. Would she blame me? I wonder. She seems more distant than I am sometimes.

As for Blake, he looks a little better adapting to vampirism. It's got to be uncomfortable for him to say the least, but at least he has a few of us that can relate a little. I'm still not sure what he wanted to do with this strange amulet he had me hold onto for him. I'm sure glad he returned to us. There's not a lot of faces that make me smile truly.

Santa is coming to town....

I had really hoped that the snow would be enough to keep anything weird from happening for a little while after the horsemen were finally dealt with. But, no rest for the weary. There's been an unusual serial killer going about recently basing his murders on the twelve days of Christmas. Some of the description's I've got was a man dressed in a Santa outfit carrying a sack full of body parts. Well whoever this sicko is, has slipped away every time we've got close. There's been a few suspicious people we're also investigating who've been nearby during some of the murders, but we haven't yet gained any leads.

A friend of mine was almost the unfortunate victim of this guy, so it startled me more than a bit when I heard. She looked alright considering when I last saw her, though she didn't seem aware of what had happened. Maybe it's for the best she doesn't.