Narrow Paths

Journal 12/4/08


I don't fully understand Suyuan's connection to Meng Po, but she's like her vessel. Like so many of these other entities here in Toxian City. Some harbingers of destruction, others, even they themself do not know. I began to really think on the words Lady Meng told me a few days ago. Answers I've questioned ever since I've heard of Raven. Suyuan herself, Lorne's apprentice and both like me chosen by Raven. They're hearlds of death. That make's me one too. What she spoke of made it seem in her beliefs we're to transcend mortality and cease to exist, or something like that. I've been foolish, hasty, but I'm powerless any other way. Everything I know is pushing me further down a path, into a life I never wanted, but now I don't think I can go back. What am I? I don't feel the separation of the messenger as I did before. I've received no more visions. Everything I am and do. It's always revolved around death. The only way now for me to keep from becoming trampled in the path of our enemies is to use this. To be what I've been chosen to be. Valkyrie? Messenger? Who knows. They're only words to me. Until who I am is gone completely. I just want my life back, but I know if I don't use what I've been given, more will suffer and be put in danger. I don't know the depths of what the Tohu va Bohu wanted of me or what even Raven wants of me. These few days I've been confused as if our path's our so different. Are we no better than the horsemen? Do we fight for the lesser of two evils? Or is evil even playing a part in the grand scheme of things? I feel like a monster. I can't run from. Im afraid, but there's nobody there. No where to feel safe. I hold it in until it hurts, trying to be strong for the others who still depend on me. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on. I'm afraid. What am I? I'm powerless, but something's chosen me for something. Why? Why am I the messenger for every voice of the powers that be? Do I even exist? I'm losing touch. It's all so overwhelming, and I've always been right in the middle unable to get away, to run away. I'm weak. Maybe something up there somewhere has written my destiny and I've no real choice of my own, but my heart will always be mine. If I lose everything that makes me, me, I'll have done knowing it was to help save the ones I love. Even if they never know. Still here. Still me. Faye'Li Vidae.