The Road to Recovery

I watched Lady Omega the other day. Somehow she reached out to Grr. His mind had still been fuzzy and for him the war had not ended. But through the unusual songs between them as they communicated, he finally came around. I was afraid. He'd finally know what I had done. How much I hurt him in his desperation to save him. My own foolish actions that almost got myself killed as well. He didn't reprimand me for it. He actually seemed glad I had tried. I was so afraid, it was finally over. The situation with the horsemen at long last. I felt that I'd finally pay up even though I was still fitting into my new role as praetor. Maybe I'm too paranoid.
I've never had a family, but I've had too many people taken from me already. Even if I may have played a small part in the whole horsemen incident, I still feel guilty about the whole thing. It's like getting a cold and then spreading it among the people you know. I feel like it was my fault. The Tohu used me.

I'm still not bound, and that stone of Rhaven's had unusual side effects. It actually came alive. Though it brought to my mind a theory about myself since that's been frightening. I know that I'm dhampir because of a curse on me before I was born and I carry the remnants of a vampire bloodline my mother herself eradicated before there was many of them. They were a slave race and one of their flaws was a weakness to mental domination. Thus my own susceptibility. They also were given the ability to create things. The myths and what I always believed was I could only duplicate things and create copies, but I've learned more about my own power. It's draw from the aether and ideas and whatnot can be formed. I'm still learning things on my own, but I'm like a gateway between the aether and the real world. I shape it and create it, but spirits of the aether could potentially use me as the Tohu did. If something is stronger than me perhaps. I think my connection is why I was chosen as The Messenger. Well my theory is why I believe my mother saw the danger enough to have been sent on the mission to kill that new bloodline. If each and every one of those vampires could potentially create more vampires, just think if each one was possessed by malicious wandering spirits that had no way to interact with the world until then. If kindred are not bad enough at times, having crazy spirits going around creating more potential hosts is even worse. It's probably best it ends with me. I'd never want to see this strain resurfaced. And as far as I know, no dhampir can create a vampire.

Joah hasn't spoken much about her time as Famine, I wouldn't know what to even say. Would she blame me? I wonder. She seems more distant than I am sometimes.

As for Blake, he looks a little better adapting to vampirism. It's got to be uncomfortable for him to say the least, but at least he has a few of us that can relate a little. I'm still not sure what he wanted to do with this strange amulet he had me hold onto for him. I'm sure glad he returned to us. There's not a lot of faces that make me smile truly.

Santa is coming to town....

I had really hoped that the snow would be enough to keep anything weird from happening for a little while after the horsemen were finally dealt with. But, no rest for the weary. There's been an unusual serial killer going about recently basing his murders on the twelve days of Christmas. Some of the description's I've got was a man dressed in a Santa outfit carrying a sack full of body parts. Well whoever this sicko is, has slipped away every time we've got close. There's been a few suspicious people we're also investigating who've been nearby during some of the murders, but we haven't yet gained any leads.

A friend of mine was almost the unfortunate victim of this guy, so it startled me more than a bit when I heard. She looked alright considering when I last saw her, though she didn't seem aware of what had happened. Maybe it's for the best she doesn't.

Atonement

I'm still surprised to this day how fast I became a praetor, though in my actions I never had any intention to. I simply knew I couldn't let things be as they were so I took action. I thought to myself if I placed all the burden, taking responsibility for the actions of all those I'd put myself in charge of, then maybe only one person would be punished when it was all over. I still can't believe I did it, or that the others actually followed me and encouraged me to lead them. I couldn't have done anything without their support.

I'm not a very strong person and I have a few issues myself so I really don't know how I managed to rally anyone, but things happened. We fended for ourselves and remained Omegans despite all the trouble. I thought on occasion as I saw what had become of us, that I couldn't trust our leaders when this was all said and done. I'd committed myself to leaving once I knew my peers were safe, but they really didn't want me to go. I'm not sure why I still stayed, it could be a few reasons. My guilt for hurting Grr trying to subdue him; My distrust of anyone else protecting my peers besides me myself; My own fear of being alone; I really don't know. Maybe it's for the best I don't see them as infallible any more. I wont be bullied and I'll go my own way if it ever comes to it, but they're my family now, no matter how dysfunctional.

I didn't spend all that time without learning a few things of my own and making a few valuable associates. Things are set in motion and I feel a little better knowing that there are true heroes in the city, even if I can't be one myself, I'll know there are people that can do things I can't do as an Omegan. And there are things I can only do as one. Then I can rest easier at night knowing I'm not sitting on my hands watching this cursed little city destroy itself. This is part of my atonement.

Narrow Paths

Journal 12/4/08


I don't fully understand Suyuan's connection to Meng Po, but she's like her vessel. Like so many of these other entities here in Toxian City. Some harbingers of destruction, others, even they themself do not know. I began to really think on the words Lady Meng told me a few days ago. Answers I've questioned ever since I've heard of Raven. Suyuan herself, Lorne's apprentice and both like me chosen by Raven. They're hearlds of death. That make's me one too. What she spoke of made it seem in her beliefs we're to transcend mortality and cease to exist, or something like that. I've been foolish, hasty, but I'm powerless any other way. Everything I know is pushing me further down a path, into a life I never wanted, but now I don't think I can go back. What am I? I don't feel the separation of the messenger as I did before. I've received no more visions. Everything I am and do. It's always revolved around death. The only way now for me to keep from becoming trampled in the path of our enemies is to use this. To be what I've been chosen to be. Valkyrie? Messenger? Who knows. They're only words to me. Until who I am is gone completely. I just want my life back, but I know if I don't use what I've been given, more will suffer and be put in danger. I don't know the depths of what the Tohu va Bohu wanted of me or what even Raven wants of me. These few days I've been confused as if our path's our so different. Are we no better than the horsemen? Do we fight for the lesser of two evils? Or is evil even playing a part in the grand scheme of things? I feel like a monster. I can't run from. Im afraid, but there's nobody there. No where to feel safe. I hold it in until it hurts, trying to be strong for the others who still depend on me. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on. I'm afraid. What am I? I'm powerless, but something's chosen me for something. Why? Why am I the messenger for every voice of the powers that be? Do I even exist? I'm losing touch. It's all so overwhelming, and I've always been right in the middle unable to get away, to run away. I'm weak. Maybe something up there somewhere has written my destiny and I've no real choice of my own, but my heart will always be mine. If I lose everything that makes me, me, I'll have done knowing it was to help save the ones I love. Even if they never know. Still here. Still me. Faye'Li Vidae.