Monday, September 14, 2009

A year..

It's been over a year now since I've been around in the Omega Institute. I've seen many things. I've become a messenger for an otherworldly spirit or god however you look at it named Raven, and eventually a valkyrie. I've helped lead in times of dread when all our leaders fell to the four horsemen. I was overtaken by something left in their aftermath calling itself the Devourer killing and injuring many even friends. We faced Cthulhu and lived, We beat the Baron Samedi at his own game and halted a swarm of zombies from destroying the world. We've traveled to other times, and other realities. And all I was before was a dhampir girl trying to make it in this world. Now I see it's much bigger than I ever imagined, and from my power.. I've even shaped a dream into existence. A special place for someone very dear to me.

What am I?

All this time, I still don't truly know. Maybe the cosmos will tell me.

Four months for the living and the dead.

How long has it been since I wrote.. so long ago. I try to remember all that happened. I wore the Sha, but it never gave me the comfort I longed for. We lost Pensive to the Baron Samedi when he came into our world looking for a book to undo it. It was a hard time and so many of us suffered. Still a light from the future came to give us some hope.

She called herself CJ and we in time realized she was in fact my daughter from an alternate timeline in the future. In her world we all perished, but because of her we fought back the tide of darkness and sent the Baron home. Some time later the same nanites that Jinx had created to sustain my life during pregnancy helped to create a clone of Pensive and contain his spirit that was still wandering about. Even in the happier times politics seem to always get in the way, causing disorder even with the best intentions. Soon chaos began to spread within the institute to where I was detained. The dissension got to a point where I couldn't be there anymore. It was time I gave up any mantle of leadership I had because I couldn't in the best interest of our group give us hope any longer when I had none of my own.

So I disappeared for a while having been told that I may not have a child at all but a river. It was an odd prophecy so I didn't think much on it. As I expected, the Institute didn't sustain itself as well with me away, but it still existed. I can't quite remember when it was that the Devourer found me again. It was after Suyuan came again and pulled the goddess from me leaving me defenseless, and in the end her own cursed soul perished in another death. Somehow though, Celeste (CJ) had the power to free me from the Devourer and now contains it within her like a prison. I suspect a strange combination of the blood of having three mothers, as Kryss was a surrogate in her time. She grew to fast to transfer in mine.

So many people had disappeared and I was just one who came back. Celeste became romantically involved with an odd robot who'd joined the Institute named Sol. Soon after Kryss and Omega clashed in their ideals. I still don't fully agree with how they both handled things, but it severed the Omega institute in a way and we saw who really valued what instead of being spoken for. I was again stuck in the middle simply because I cared, so I disappeared again.

This time I suffered greatly. I never did explain what had happened, how I lost my child. It was all true. Somehow it came to me while I walked alone in Legacies. From my entire body burst forth a river as if I was again opened to the aether as a doorway. and I fell into greater waters off the bridge. I felt though that life I had within me escape into the water, but not in a way of death, only a parting. I didn't sense a spirit as one would like me. It was different, but still she was gone. I tried to follow even if it ment dying, but the current pushed me to shore since I could never swim.

Some way I as desperate or maybe I didn't care anymore. I made my own wardings, a dangerous power. They did protect me from hostile spirits, but the cost was my own sanity.
Time drifted as did thoughts during this time, and its still hard to this day, but as my wards are growing weaker I've almost recovered completely.

Something brought us all together, Dryl, Alyssa, and I. I think that same cosmic force that I heard because we all became aware, aspects of fate in a way. Me when the Messenger manifests, Alyssa with her Oracle and Dryl who holds more secrets than any of us.

I still can't say where Celeste went the one from the future, and Sol has disappeared as well. And so soon after their wedding. I watched from afar, but I never had the chance to be motherly, perhaps because of the loss I sustained.. I still regret.

The only light that has kept me going is the realization of Alyssa's true origin. As she spent more time around me she started remembering who she is and as a mimic restored herself to an appearance much like mine. She's my half sister, trained by the same creep in ways of assassination. But.. she's so much more. She's my light that I hold dear now when I can't see what roads to follow.

Much has happened over these months, but I feel that something good will come of the future. Hostilities between both groups has lessened, and we're finding many more people. I hope they can reconcile because we really can be stronger together than apart, even if we have different agendas. It would still work out. I have no doubt. As for me though. I can't lead if I'm a follower and I can't be a follower if I lead, so I'm finding my own way in the world and truly living for once. We never really know how long we have or who we'll lose along the way. I just hope there's always someone who will remember when all the other lights have faded.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Mask

The Sha, an ancient spirit who emerged from deep withing Dryl is a mysterious sort. She's the "hollow" so she says. Taking things away, making them hollow. She offered to take away my child, but I refused outright. My decision is already made. Then she told me what else the Sha can do. To feel nothing, no pain, to be in tune and understanding. To be enlightened with universal forces, but not hampered by emotional attachments. The Sha showed me how to fasten a mask that would give me that. No more pain, no more confusion. She told me the risks and how I should keep the mask carefully within a container made of the same material, and how I should only use it when I need to. We'll see. I don't know the risks of the mask, but the peace of detachment doesn't sound so bad when you've suffered so long. I'll wear it and see.

Journal 4/28/09

I've been irrational now trying to cope with all the things that have happened, but I wanted to help those I could. The Alpha Institute created by the separation of our house never felt like home to me. I can only imagine what kind of friendship Kryss had with Nareth who always seemed to struggle with her own humanity. Though before I could truly find an understanding for being there, Alpha was disbanded and most of us found our way back to Omega with a bittersweet joy. Our family came back together, yet some wouldn't be returning. Who knows what fate ever became of Dana, a part of Nareth that existed as a separate persona. The soul of someone slain by her years ago. Though by some strange understanding, Dryl has taken Nareth's soul into the spiritlands where she constructs a new body for her. Will she be a child or a an adult? Will she remember us? We'll know soon enough. Some strange threads of fate seem to bind us all in ways. Dryl and I both carry children by unnatural means. I struggle each day knowing in mind that I can't terminate this no matter the risk to my own self. No matter how many seizures I have. I'll fight to the bitter end knowing I've done all I could, because I'll do what I can.

I regret, I have no idea what to feel. Will I feel? The child just feels like another burden placed on me.. but maybe when she's born I'll know. I don't know what to do. I do know that whatever happens, Grr and Omega will be there as well as our family. So I can try and rest easy.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Journal 4/3/09 "Destiny"

It's been a while since I wrote. I couldn't find the heart after the institute drifted apart in separate directions. I feel even now I don't belong where I am, and I have no love for the one who leads us. It always seems the new ones who look up to me for some reason are why I stay. Lately I've roamed many lands as if searching for something, but I know now it's not the reason I hoped for.
For so long I've been used, even by those who thought they knew what was best for me. What is a life with no free will? I'll never live a normal life. These higher beings, some devine, some monstrous, all pushing their will on me. It took the act of a friend to show me, to open my eyes. That final betrayal helped me realize that I'll always be a pawn as long as these 'gods' exist. I've shown in the past that am capable of hurting them, but I've began looking for a true weapon, perhaps even the spear of destiny. With this cursed goddess sleeping inside of me, I know that not even Cthulhu himself can exert his will on me. So as they've used me, I'll use her and bring about my own Ragnarok. Perhaps the child I now carry will know a better world free of the burdens I suffer. I hope I don't live long enough to find out. My death will be my own, even if my life never was. I am damned in one way or another, so it no longer matters. I'll be the messenger of death and the gods will find my deliverance. Remember me if I ever was. ~Faye'Li

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Journal 2/25/09

I let it escalate too much yesterday, that unresolved grief I've been trying to hide. Maybe even from myself. Redd caught me. I didn't have any idea what to say to her, but it's not the first time I've been there, wondering just how much strength I have. Nobody's caught me before. I've been trying to be strong, and I should be. I can't change the past, but I still see clear visions of people. The terror on their faces as the creature inside me hunted them down. I smell the blood. It's sweet, and yet I know it's wrong. It feeds knowing that I can't resist it and I'll in fact enjoy it. But how many people would die as I lost myself in the only moments of bliss in the all comsuming terror.
Those years ago, after Lamont had used me, had trained me to be an assassin. When I remembered what I had done, what he compelled me to do. That was one of the worst times of my life. This time, is even worse. I watched it all unfold before me. A small part enjoyed it. That broke me. I hate it, I hate it. I want to be in control. I don't want to be the gate, or a tool, or a vessel. I don't want the burden of countless people who suffer because of me. Why am I chosen for this? I don't want to lose anyone else I love. Not for me. Not to protect me. How can my life be worth the price of another? I wish I was that strong. How I'd love to 'get over it' as some people would say. I'm so embarassed. I'm not even sure what I should do now.
And Denny. I don't know how to explain it, but he's changed a lot, and seems very protective of me. He knew what had happened when he called for me. Again I didn't know what to say. But I tried. I know, maybe I'm mixed up. There's so many things I'm responsible for, and I still don't know if my own life is worth all I've sown. Or if I am too dangerous for the people I care about. Within all my doubt, Denny said that it would hurt him greater to lose me. When I stated how much I knew about myself and what I am even after all thats happened, he simply turned to me and said, "You're Omegan."
Those words rang in my head a while. I guess.. I felt.. accepted. If there's no other word to describe it. I'm such a fool. I have so many wonderful friends. I never wanted to share my grief with them. I hope I can be stronger. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders sometimes and I'm being suffocated. Its kind of scary when so many of the new ones look up to me when I'm such a mess. I can always write to sort out my thoughts at least. It'll get better.. I want to get better..

Monday, February 23, 2009

Pandora Complex

What am I?

A dhampir girl born of a curse. A legacy of a lost bloodline that should never have existed to begin with. A gift and a curse. Before I only knew how to create, but I always had that insipid weakness born to me. It was put there deliberately to help dominate the race I'm a part of. A weakness of will. No matter how hard I try, I can't prevent the influence of a stronger power over me. The more I grew im my own powers, discovering them, the more I opened up to the aether, the spirit world. I grew even more susceptible to what terrors lie beyond. But the Raven has watched me for a very long time. I don't know why. He chose me as his messenger. Even now I don't completely understand it. I know at times I have visions, and through his power I've become something more. Perhaps a redeeming quality, or a balance to what darkness I'm capable of. He made me his valkyrie, and tied my powers even greater to the aether, spirits and the like. A gateway, a voice, beholding great and terrible things. For what purpose? Should I embrace this harsh existence as but a tool of god like beings? Must more die because of me? trying to control the power or because I can't? Even now, with the goddess sleeping there, protecting me from that weakness of mine. Is that not in a way her own will over me? It did protect me from Cthulhu's insanity. I've questioned if I should even exist. Lady Omega said, of course I should.