I let it escalate too much yesterday, that unresolved grief I've been trying to hide. Maybe even from myself. Redd caught me. I didn't have any idea what to say to her, but it's not the first time I've been there, wondering just how much strength I have. Nobody's caught me before. I've been trying to be strong, and I should be. I can't change the past, but I still see clear visions of people. The terror on their faces as the creature inside me hunted them down. I smell the blood. It's sweet, and yet I know it's wrong. It feeds knowing that I can't resist it and I'll in fact enjoy it. But how many people would die as I lost myself in the only moments of bliss in the all comsuming terror.
Those years ago, after Lamont had used me, had trained me to be an assassin. When I remembered what I had done, what he compelled me to do. That was one of the worst times of my life. This time, is even worse. I watched it all unfold before me. A small part enjoyed it. That broke me. I hate it, I hate it. I want to be in control. I don't want to be the gate, or a tool, or a vessel. I don't want the burden of countless people who suffer because of me. Why am I chosen for this? I don't want to lose anyone else I love. Not for me. Not to protect me. How can my life be worth the price of another? I wish I was that strong. How I'd love to 'get over it' as some people would say. I'm so embarassed. I'm not even sure what I should do now.
And Denny. I don't know how to explain it, but he's changed a lot, and seems very protective of me. He knew what had happened when he called for me. Again I didn't know what to say. But I tried. I know, maybe I'm mixed up. There's so many things I'm responsible for, and I still don't know if my own life is worth all I've sown. Or if I am too dangerous for the people I care about. Within all my doubt, Denny said that it would hurt him greater to lose me. When I stated how much I knew about myself and what I am even after all thats happened, he simply turned to me and said, "You're Omegan."
Those words rang in my head a while. I guess.. I felt.. accepted. If there's no other word to describe it. I'm such a fool. I have so many wonderful friends. I never wanted to share my grief with them. I hope I can be stronger. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders sometimes and I'm being suffocated. Its kind of scary when so many of the new ones look up to me when I'm such a mess. I can always write to sort out my thoughts at least. It'll get better.. I want to get better..
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Pandora Complex
What am I?
A dhampir girl born of a curse. A legacy of a lost bloodline that should never have existed to begin with. A gift and a curse. Before I only knew how to create, but I always had that insipid weakness born to me. It was put there deliberately to help dominate the race I'm a part of. A weakness of will. No matter how hard I try, I can't prevent the influence of a stronger power over me. The more I grew im my own powers, discovering them, the more I opened up to the aether, the spirit world. I grew even more susceptible to what terrors lie beyond. But the Raven has watched me for a very long time. I don't know why. He chose me as his messenger. Even now I don't completely understand it. I know at times I have visions, and through his power I've become something more. Perhaps a redeeming quality, or a balance to what darkness I'm capable of. He made me his valkyrie, and tied my powers even greater to the aether, spirits and the like. A gateway, a voice, beholding great and terrible things. For what purpose? Should I embrace this harsh existence as but a tool of god like beings? Must more die because of me? trying to control the power or because I can't? Even now, with the goddess sleeping there, protecting me from that weakness of mine. Is that not in a way her own will over me? It did protect me from Cthulhu's insanity. I've questioned if I should even exist. Lady Omega said, of course I should.
A dhampir girl born of a curse. A legacy of a lost bloodline that should never have existed to begin with. A gift and a curse. Before I only knew how to create, but I always had that insipid weakness born to me. It was put there deliberately to help dominate the race I'm a part of. A weakness of will. No matter how hard I try, I can't prevent the influence of a stronger power over me. The more I grew im my own powers, discovering them, the more I opened up to the aether, the spirit world. I grew even more susceptible to what terrors lie beyond. But the Raven has watched me for a very long time. I don't know why. He chose me as his messenger. Even now I don't completely understand it. I know at times I have visions, and through his power I've become something more. Perhaps a redeeming quality, or a balance to what darkness I'm capable of. He made me his valkyrie, and tied my powers even greater to the aether, spirits and the like. A gateway, a voice, beholding great and terrible things. For what purpose? Should I embrace this harsh existence as but a tool of god like beings? Must more die because of me? trying to control the power or because I can't? Even now, with the goddess sleeping there, protecting me from that weakness of mine. Is that not in a way her own will over me? It did protect me from Cthulhu's insanity. I've questioned if I should even exist. Lady Omega said, of course I should.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Threads of Fate
Random thoughts for so long come to me, as if the cosmos in communicating in an intricate weave of circumstance and fate. There's an overabundance of coincidences culminating into a mutual disastrous end. The endless night, the return of darkness. No matter what awful creature seeks it or has spoken it, it haunts me. Incomprehendible entities, or whatever the Tohu va Bohu really was. The arrival of the Devourer, drawn forth from their lingering energies, and now these amorphous life forms, the cultists, Dagon and Cthulhu. Could catastrophe after catastrophe herald destruction itself? What twisted fate brought things into motion that could be so easily set up to start our current crisis? Even the cards are held by different hands, it's no doubt that lingering wounds from one event have had grave impact on each in turn. Ripples in the pond. And it's becoming harder to recover from.
What these entities seem to have in common is they come from parts unknown. Places most mortal minds could not comprehend or be driven mad. Could they all be related? I may never know, and the thought of it is truly terrifying if it has any truth to it. The vessels, the portals, their plight of slowly being drained away. I've experienced and seen it before while possessed. It's hard to ignore any similarities. The Devourer lied, tempting those to give themselves willingly to the all consuming darkness, but it eventually did show it's own madness. It would hurt itself to keep me from wresting any control. When these other creatures came into our world it seemed curious one moment and annoyed the next. It even allowed one of these shadow figures to take some of it's power, perhaps a way to spread its taint even further.
What I felt within the Devourer was wrath, rage, and anger. And hearing a theory that anger was the beacon for another entity leads me to believe that some of these happenings have set things in motion or at least transpired to one another. The Lycan and Kindred war fueled much anger in the city. The traces of the battle with the horsemen was never completely resolved, and that seed of darkness grew into what became the Devourer, but why did it? And why did it happen when it did? Why still do these new threats also threaten to bring about the endless night? Are all roads in this spiderweb of horrific events leading to a single point of complete destruction? I don't want to think of it. I don't know these other beings, nor their servants, but by all accounts they seem as if they could be worse than even the entity I was possessed by. And if that is true, we're in for a bloody conclusion.
What these entities seem to have in common is they come from parts unknown. Places most mortal minds could not comprehend or be driven mad. Could they all be related? I may never know, and the thought of it is truly terrifying if it has any truth to it. The vessels, the portals, their plight of slowly being drained away. I've experienced and seen it before while possessed. It's hard to ignore any similarities. The Devourer lied, tempting those to give themselves willingly to the all consuming darkness, but it eventually did show it's own madness. It would hurt itself to keep me from wresting any control. When these other creatures came into our world it seemed curious one moment and annoyed the next. It even allowed one of these shadow figures to take some of it's power, perhaps a way to spread its taint even further.
What I felt within the Devourer was wrath, rage, and anger. And hearing a theory that anger was the beacon for another entity leads me to believe that some of these happenings have set things in motion or at least transpired to one another. The Lycan and Kindred war fueled much anger in the city. The traces of the battle with the horsemen was never completely resolved, and that seed of darkness grew into what became the Devourer, but why did it? And why did it happen when it did? Why still do these new threats also threaten to bring about the endless night? Are all roads in this spiderweb of horrific events leading to a single point of complete destruction? I don't want to think of it. I don't know these other beings, nor their servants, but by all accounts they seem as if they could be worse than even the entity I was possessed by. And if that is true, we're in for a bloody conclusion.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Life, Death, and the Beyond
There's so much that has happened, so much I couldn't prevent. Some of it's still a bit foggy. The dreams became so bad, and my worst fears became reality. Denny and Delrith tried to find out just what was wrong and in that moment the Devourer took over.
I was lost for days on end, fighting for control as I watched in horror how this creature stalked countless people reducing them to lifeless dust. Every moment I wish I could forget.. I remember vividly. I tried so hard to wrest control from the creature, keeping several of it's attacks from being as severe as they could have been. It's little comfort for those that I couldn't prevent. I've hurt my friends and family, emotionally and physically, but I remember each of them pulling together to try and free me.
Things only got worse before they got better. In the peril of this entity from beyond, a new threat emerged. From what I gather now, servants of things known as Dagon and Cthulhu have brought a war with eachother into our world. The Devourer grew interested in these other creatures, believing that they would fulfill what it had started one moment, and cursing their intrusion the next. It grew more dangerous and self destructive in the end.
The worst came when the Devourer kept it's promise, and slew one of my dearest friends. It believed it would become more powerful slaying Suyuan and the goddess Meng Po, whom she was a part of. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. I wish Mei had killed me then, when she attacked me. For everything I couldn't stop. The Devourer crucified her daughter and laughed. And she did all she could to destroy the creature, but it only hurt me. Even that was part of it's wicked plan.
I think the creature thought it was finally strong enough to enter the library where it never would go, and there it met Denny who had recovered. He grew incredibly strong. I'd never seen him that way before. Even now I'll never think of him the same way. He has my deepest thanks for finally freeing me from that creature. I felt him as he ripped the darkness away, in the moment I was passing through the tunnel of light, he pulled me back. The Devourer is gone, though I know not where and those it kept free.
I've been hesitant to go too far from the library, after seeing all the damage it did and the people I hurt because of it. I thought I had seen a ghost when she came to me, but it wasn't. Suyuan was really there. She told me Denny had pulled her back from the grave as well. I couldn't believe it. I was afraid I would wake, but I was so happy to see her again. I had no idea why she really had come.
Suyuan returned only for a short while, and I watched her die a second time... My dear friend. The wish of her and the goddess was to protect the other of Raven's chosen, and so to fulfill that promise the essence of the goddess transfered from her, and now sleeps in me. But the price was never what I would have wanted. As she died to do so. I never wanted this. Not the burden of another power, and not at the cost of a friend. But perhaps.. with the goddess as a shield, I'll be free of being influence by other dire things, and I think she wanted that for me.
I asked why all this has to happen to me, and Grr replied that I had an innocent heart. I'm not sure if I understand. I have carried powers far greater than myself and now moreso. I'm not sure if I'm responsible enough for such a burden, or why someone like me would be chosen. It's overwhelming. I came to this city with only the things on my back and a wonder where my next meal would be. Now, I sit by the fire remembering visions of things that have passed, the creatures I've channeled, the friends I've lost, and now that goddess who sleeps in the depths of my soul.
Was this part of Raven's plan for me all along? A broken dhampir girl made the messenger, a valkyrie. And now to thwart the curse I had been born with, I had to lose someone close to me.. I understand the life your mother always wanted for you now Suyuan. Free to live it as you chose. Free of higher powers who would use you. I'll never know what it's like, but I hope you can rest now, and maybe if you're ever reborn you'll have the life you truly deserved.
I was lost for days on end, fighting for control as I watched in horror how this creature stalked countless people reducing them to lifeless dust. Every moment I wish I could forget.. I remember vividly. I tried so hard to wrest control from the creature, keeping several of it's attacks from being as severe as they could have been. It's little comfort for those that I couldn't prevent. I've hurt my friends and family, emotionally and physically, but I remember each of them pulling together to try and free me.
Things only got worse before they got better. In the peril of this entity from beyond, a new threat emerged. From what I gather now, servants of things known as Dagon and Cthulhu have brought a war with eachother into our world. The Devourer grew interested in these other creatures, believing that they would fulfill what it had started one moment, and cursing their intrusion the next. It grew more dangerous and self destructive in the end.
The worst came when the Devourer kept it's promise, and slew one of my dearest friends. It believed it would become more powerful slaying Suyuan and the goddess Meng Po, whom she was a part of. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. I wish Mei had killed me then, when she attacked me. For everything I couldn't stop. The Devourer crucified her daughter and laughed. And she did all she could to destroy the creature, but it only hurt me. Even that was part of it's wicked plan.
I think the creature thought it was finally strong enough to enter the library where it never would go, and there it met Denny who had recovered. He grew incredibly strong. I'd never seen him that way before. Even now I'll never think of him the same way. He has my deepest thanks for finally freeing me from that creature. I felt him as he ripped the darkness away, in the moment I was passing through the tunnel of light, he pulled me back. The Devourer is gone, though I know not where and those it kept free.
I've been hesitant to go too far from the library, after seeing all the damage it did and the people I hurt because of it. I thought I had seen a ghost when she came to me, but it wasn't. Suyuan was really there. She told me Denny had pulled her back from the grave as well. I couldn't believe it. I was afraid I would wake, but I was so happy to see her again. I had no idea why she really had come.
Suyuan returned only for a short while, and I watched her die a second time... My dear friend. The wish of her and the goddess was to protect the other of Raven's chosen, and so to fulfill that promise the essence of the goddess transfered from her, and now sleeps in me. But the price was never what I would have wanted. As she died to do so. I never wanted this. Not the burden of another power, and not at the cost of a friend. But perhaps.. with the goddess as a shield, I'll be free of being influence by other dire things, and I think she wanted that for me.
I asked why all this has to happen to me, and Grr replied that I had an innocent heart. I'm not sure if I understand. I have carried powers far greater than myself and now moreso. I'm not sure if I'm responsible enough for such a burden, or why someone like me would be chosen. It's overwhelming. I came to this city with only the things on my back and a wonder where my next meal would be. Now, I sit by the fire remembering visions of things that have passed, the creatures I've channeled, the friends I've lost, and now that goddess who sleeps in the depths of my soul.
Was this part of Raven's plan for me all along? A broken dhampir girl made the messenger, a valkyrie. And now to thwart the curse I had been born with, I had to lose someone close to me.. I understand the life your mother always wanted for you now Suyuan. Free to live it as you chose. Free of higher powers who would use you. I'll never know what it's like, but I hope you can rest now, and maybe if you're ever reborn you'll have the life you truly deserved.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Within..
Deep within, possessed by the dark entity that's been called the Devourer, unconscious thoughts lingering in the mind if Faye'Li. Whispers to those sensitive enough to hear the psychic impressions left by the trauma in the dark..
The screaming.. howling.. how can it never stop? Is it the wind of this cold void.. I can see nothing here.. Not unless it's out of the darkness.. I can see what it does. Watching myself within myself.. I'm trapped in this darkness.. I scream and scream.. but I can't hear my own voice.. There's so much blood.. I can't stop it.. I'm covered in blood.. so much.. Please run.. run away.. No! No not again! It grips tighter.. laughing keeping me in it's grasp.. I can hardly breath.. I can't stop.. It feeds.. it's killed.. but but.. why does it.. the blood.. I don't want it.. but it knows.. it.. no.. I don't want the blood.. I crave it.. no it's wrong.. No.. no no.. Please no... You can't do this.. Not him.. Denny! Did it really happen..? When was it.. how long ago.. it seems like hours and minutes ago.. the rage.. I felt so cold.. the screams from everywhere.. it makes me want this.. to crave it.. I don't want it.. please... please stop it.. so much blood.. so much blood.. so much blood... Ahhh!.. it hurts.. I feel like it's tearing at me.. but.. but.. it starts over and over.. why.. is this.. what is this? Make it end.. I can't I can't.. please.. Noooo!!! No.. stop.. stop...
The screaming.. howling.. how can it never stop? Is it the wind of this cold void.. I can see nothing here.. Not unless it's out of the darkness.. I can see what it does. Watching myself within myself.. I'm trapped in this darkness.. I scream and scream.. but I can't hear my own voice.. There's so much blood.. I can't stop it.. I'm covered in blood.. so much.. Please run.. run away.. No! No not again! It grips tighter.. laughing keeping me in it's grasp.. I can hardly breath.. I can't stop.. It feeds.. it's killed.. but but.. why does it.. the blood.. I don't want it.. but it knows.. it.. no.. I don't want the blood.. I crave it.. no it's wrong.. No.. no no.. Please no... You can't do this.. Not him.. Denny! Did it really happen..? When was it.. how long ago.. it seems like hours and minutes ago.. the rage.. I felt so cold.. the screams from everywhere.. it makes me want this.. to crave it.. I don't want it.. please... please stop it.. so much blood.. so much blood.. so much blood... Ahhh!.. it hurts.. I feel like it's tearing at me.. but.. but.. it starts over and over.. why.. is this.. what is this? Make it end.. I can't I can't.. please.. Noooo!!! No.. stop.. stop...
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